where's the truth in marketing here?

if you're like me (and for your sake, i hope you're not), you've watched your family's ornament and light-covered christmas tree fall to the ground, shattering family heirlooms because you didn't secure it properly in the tree stand. either that, or you've been lucky enough to see the tree begin to fall, giving you ample time to run out of the room before it actually hits the ground, thus excusing you from being blamed directly for the disaster.

of course, that all changed when someone invented That Ball-shaped Pivot-y Christmas Tree Thing™. with it, you can basically assure that your christmas tree will never fall. or as the lawyers said in the patent application, "a tree-supporting stand having a central support member mounting a plurality of radially extending legs, each of which is adapted to engage a horizontal surface for supporting a Christmas tree in an upright position so as to facilitate decorating and displaying the latter."


but while That Ball-shaped Pivot-y Christmas Tree Thing seems like a vast improvement over the vice-like traditional tree stand, it's been my experience that 50% of their products kill whatever tree is placed in them, precisely the day before holiday guests arrive. each year, we put two christmas trees into two Ball-shaped Pivot-y Christmas Tree Things. (i can't help it - i hate forests.) and each year, one tree manages to die prematurely. not fall over like in old times, mind you. rather, the tree loses its needles, then branch strength, then motivation to live. and each year, it's the one that was placed in the stand pictured above.

just look at the picture. note the dead needles, serving as some sort of arboristic chalk outline. now look at the piece behind the main stand. are those two long screws? or are those devil horns?

cigarettes kill one-third of its users, and there are billboard-size warnings on every label. where are the warnings on the Ball-shaped Pivot-y Christmas Tree Thing packages? all we get is, "réglable socle d'arbre de noël."

i'm not sure what kind of a warning that is, but without an exclamation point at the end, i'm SURE it isn't forceful enough.

then again, maybe that would spoil the holiday spirit. maybe - just maybe - That Ball-shaped Pivot-y Christmas Tree Thing manufacturers realize that years from now, some of our fondest holiday memories will be of dads being trapped under shards of broken ornaments, swearing enough to make baby jesus in the little nativity scene blush, while moms stand by, laughing too hard to help.

indeed, réglable socle d'arbre de noël to all. and to all a good night.


monkeyama said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nick Robinson said...

Hi there,

I found your blog post very interesting.i am Nick Robinson,a community member at Patents DOT Com(a comprehensive free patent
search engine).Will like to talk(through email) to you,is this the right time to talk about or should we talk during weekends?

Nick Robinson